Duckbeek

For as long as I can remember I was asked what I wanted to do when I was older. Questions like, “What career do you want to pursue?”, “Do you want children?”, “Are you going to college?”, “What is your ideal wedding like?”, etc. For some people, answers come naturally. Maybe it’s because they’ve always thought about it, or they had inspiration as a kid and just knew that’s what they were destined to do. For me, it was never that simple. In fact, they were crippling questions for me. I felt different for not knowing, and felt anxiety about never being able to find out.

I would always explain to people that I don’t have a clue and that I just don’t think that far ahead. No one ever judged me. I always received encouraging responses like, “Oh, you have plenty of time to figure it out.” Encouraging words to some people, but for me it terrified me. What if I truly never figure it out. The answer is that you don’t ever have to truly figure it out. What if I just wasn’t meant to figure it out. Your path isn’t meant to be clear, and if it is, then it’ not the right path.

I have had crippling anxiety about being ashamed of not knowing where I am headed and what lies ahead in my future. I’ve always known that I will indeed figure it out, but my anxiety came from the judgement of others. I was scared of getting looked down upon, and seen as lesser just because my path isn’t the “stereotypical” path one takes. I’ve had random strangers question me and give me advice that I did not ask for in the first place. This led me to a state of fear and constant worry.

I’m able to understand that the people that truly know me and care about me, really couldn’t care less about what I do for a living. Yet, I still feel disconnected when I hear others talk about their accomplishments and their degrees that landed them wonderful jobs. I just can’t relate to that feeling of being proud of myself.

So here I am, following my own yellow brick road and seeing where it leads me. Through lots of self help books and therapy I’ve learned that I am actually doing wonderful, and I do have lots to be proud of. I’ve accomplished lots in life, and have never stopped growing as a human. Every year, I am a different person from who I was last year. I love taking my past experiences and learning from them.

So, if you’re like me, and your yellow brick road seems dim and hard to follow, that is okay. It will find you and lead you down the right path. We are not meant to follow a straight path. It’s meant to be filled with curves, and hills, and bridges, and obstacles that we sometimes fear we can’t pass. It’s meant to make us stronger and braver and make us into people we never thought we could be. Follow your heart and don’t be scared to take risks. What’s meant to be will be.

-duck